Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I'm back.

Wow it feels.... weird...,

I finished the HSC. My high school life is over. I always wondered what it would be like since i was a kid, i never was really able to grasp any idea of it though. I do remember one thing really clearly, what would happen with her when i was this old. I'm becoming obsessed as one of you describes it, i'm becoming very obsessed with her. BUT i have a back up plan, hopefully i can get with this girl called Lucia and she'll just move Tutu out of my head. Sure she'll still be there i'll just not be obsessed thats all.

You know that thing you do when like your looking at someone and then they look at you and you just turn ur head? Lol i love it when something like that happens because i just continue staring. I know it's rude and stuff but you know me, i like to... awkward it up =). Sometimes i don't like to make things awkward however and this is when i try to pretend that i don't know people. I'm sure you have done it at one stage or another but this happened to me on Saturday and the two people were standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and i just kept walking. Don't make eye contact, that is the key my young padawans. I don't know why i do it usually its cause i don't like them but sometimes i jus't ignore them anyways. Other times however, when i know they're ignoring me i'll be like ".... HHIIII !!!" yeah i did it to mr. PURE MUSCLLEEE.

Crying. I wonder why humans do it. Apparently, it relieves stress but laughter also relieves stress. Lol at the irony in how laughter and crying are actually very much alike. I know that there's some mental thing to it but why do you cry when someone dies for example? Your sad, yes, we know that but why do you cry? If crying and laughing were the same thing why not laugh? Okay, that would be fucked up. Anyways. Hopefully the comment box works, if it does please write the last time you cried. It doesnt have to be ridiculously specific but it can't be like "Awhile ago" it has to be at least "a few weeks ago" or some time period like that.

Wow, short blog,
The King of Random

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Control.

I don't know whats happening to me. It seems like everything in my world is changing, and with it my control. The once strong links i had have become tenuous. I've become weak and a foreigner to this world, the confusion grasps me in an unwilling way and causes me to do things out of impulse rather than logic. I try to establish control but it isn't working, the roles have changed. What was once my hometown has now become a foreign field, someone who was once considered a brother has become a stranger, it seems there is alot on my mind. And right before the HSC. I can't answer anymore questions people ask me, because i don't know the answers to them. I don't know what i want anymore, and i'm hurting others unintentionally yet i don't even know if i'm sorry or not. Change is fucked up.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Many, many things.

6 days till the end,

So a week ago a friend of mine told me that my posts were too short so in honour of her, this post will be really really long and really really random. This post will be strange for many, because there will be no definite mood. But let me give you a brief explanation of some of the shit i'm gonna be covering (Some i may have already covered): Secrets, the rush of doing illegal shit, buying condoms, feminine odour. Yes. RANDOM.

Since buying condoms sort of sounded funny i thought i'd start with that one. So the other day i'm buying condoms for a friend, and i wanted to do it cause i like to make people laugh. So i'm at the store i'm near the register and i get it and say some weird shit to the shop assistant. But this wasn't the first time i did it and there was this one time i had to get shit for a friend and like... i was walking to the register and the worst thing happens... i see a family friend. At first i was shitting bricks thinking "WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO !?" and my family friend says Hi Edward, so i respond and i think, i THINK she saw what was in my hand and must have thought it MIGHT have been a pack of condoms because they were only a 6 pack so its pretty small. So i respond with hi and thats that. But there was this unexplainable awkwardness if you get what i mean and because they know my parents i couldn't really crack a joke. Sigh... i was really unlucky that time. So my question is to you: Have you ever bought condoms and if so, what is the strangest shit that has happened when you bought them?

Since i'm in the mood of comical humour and whatnot, i'd like to tell you about something i do which everyone whom i do it to finds weird about me. SNIFFING HAIR !!! Women's hair that is. I don't know why this is, maybe i have a fucked up nose, but chicks have this smell. It's nice and at first i thought it was cause they all put on perfume and deoderant but apparently not cause i ask them and they first look at me like they want to slap me and then say with this confused look on their face "....no". But hair seems to be where the central smell comes from for some reason, well there is ONE other place on a woman's body where her scent is strong.. if uuhh... you know... you get my drift ;)

Big talk. I do it alot, i try to think i don't but i'm pretty sure if you asked the people around me, they would say i do. I don't know why people do it and the big talk i'm referring to would be for example if someone got into a fight and lost and then some other douchebag would say something along these lines "WELL FIRST, I'D HAVE MY GUARD UP AND THEN I'D HOOK HIM FROM THE LEFT AND DO A TORNADO KICK" No you fag, you don't have time to think. But that's a classic example. Let's look at a situation i recently heard about. So this guy who hates this girl ALOT was saying how he would laugh if she committed suicide because she "deserves it". Now i know this girl and she's a pretty cool person and she's also the person who requested this blog, and she hasn't really done anything... Anyways, what i'm trying to say is that if the same were to happen to one of his friends, he wouldn't laugh and i'd probably shit talk and say "Wow, i guess i should be laughing now right?" you see, it's cyclical.

Dreams dreams dreams. I seem to be obsessed with them. I'm always asking people about their dreams but lately, i haven't been having any good dreams. They make me recollect on times i don't want to think about. Do you dream everynight? Someone once told me he only dreamed once a week and i told him he was fucked up. Do you agree? She(the one who's requesting a longer blog) said that they reflect our most inner thoughts, and because of this it has lead me to believe that people deny us their dreams because they have secrets to hide, doesn't everyone?

Why do we keep secrets? What is the purpose of them. Most of the time you don't want someone to know something about you because your scared they will attack you because of it, or that you'll hurt them because they know something about you that they did not want to know. Ignorance is bliss. I believe in that sentence 1000%. I wouldn't mind that life, but because i know about the world and the sick creatures that dwell in it i am unable to comprehend a life like that. The simplest truth could destroy your life. I have a secret, well it's not really a secret, it's just not emphasised enough.

As all of you know, i have a bad relationship with my brother. I can say with full confidence that i am foreign to a sibling relationship. For example, Benji, you and your brother are tight and shit right? If he has a problem, he can talk to you about it without worrying too much. You'd back him in a fight right? You'd feed him if he was so sick he wasn't able to do anything on his own right? These are rhetorical questions, i already know the answers to them. For me, it's all the opposite. I can't talk to my brother about anything and i'm sure as hell he wouldn't jump in if i got into a brawl. Spiritually, i barely know him and he barely knows me. And that's the way i'd like it to be. Only God knows how many chances i've given him. Everytime he's fucked me over. And i'm not gonna ask someone for help or some shit like that, i'm gonna do the smart thing and just ignore him for the rest of my life. Sigh, i'm getting a bit pissed off now.

But that's cool, you wanted a long post and this has been bothering me all week. I'm not sure if it's my own doing or what happened in the past but everytime my brother is brought up in family conversation, i always just rage. Especially at my Mum, because SHE was the one who said she didn't want to ever talk to him again or to ever have him at our house. And now she's calling him and telling him to come over and shit? What the fuck? And when i ask her about it she says how it was "the heat of the moment". I don't know if she gets it or not, BUT IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT. I don't know how true i stay to my words, but if they're passionate and there's feeling behind it, i do mean it. I try to stick to it. None of this heat of the moment bullshit. Like today, she was saying how he brought a cd to our house but he was too scared to come in or some shit, and then i was saying how she said she didn't want him in our house anymore and she's now saying how he doesn't want to be in our house, not the other way around. I instantly snapped and it fucked my whole day up. But that's how it is i guess. My emotions are a product of her actions. And imma stick by it.

You know what i'm really scared of though? If Sue gets involved. Because i know that if i tell her about it she WILL try to help. But i don't want your help, because what's been done has been done. Like the end of Father and Child by Gwen Harwood "No words, no tears can mend" this. There is no solution. But i'm scared because i know if she helps, i will hate her. Anyone who tries to help me on this situation i end up hating. I know she's trying to help, but the blindness caused by my anger against my brother decimates my logic. I'm tempted to just smash my door down and start screaming at my Mum for her idiocracy and arrogance, but fuck it. This blog prevents me from doing that. It's my escape i guess.

Sigh... i think that's why i've been stressed all week and shit. I've been getting into arguments left, right and center. But i dunno what to say. Oh well, we'll just let time play this out i guess. Not much i can do. I'm sorry for being such an asshole this week guys. But i don't want you to forgive me, because if i can't beat my brother then i am an asshole =.= HSC is in a week so i won't be posting for awhile i think... I just hope i do well and get AT LEAST 80. Or i'm gonna be departed to.... Tibet. Nah jokes. This post has been strange... i guess you could say... it's been a journey (O_o... Oh GOD =_=)

Peace out and goodluck to everyone doing the HSC,
The King of Random

Monday, October 6, 2008

Untitled 3. (This is going to be really, REALLY short)

Hi,

This is gonna be short. Really short. I can't focus right now so i thought i would write up a new post and this is because of someone i know... sort of. It's about willingness. I asked someone if they would ever be a hooker and she told me she would if she really needed the money to support her family. So this was awhile ago and it didn't bother me much. But today i found out a certain someone's Mum (Extremely hot by the way) was a VIP hostess. So at first i was like what the fuck is a vip hostess and me and my friend thought it was a hooker. Well we were joking around thinking it was a hooker but i did some googling on the topic and uuhh... i think it is. I'm not so sure because corporations can be shifty and i mean... star city is widely known as a casino and uuhh casinos are pretty notorious for that sort of thing. I feel bad for the person's daughter, cause she is a kind person and really doesn't deserve this shit. But i guess when you need money your ready to go to extremes right? Wrong. Well from my perspective its wrong. I hope i'm wrong and that she is a VIP Hostess and just welcomes people and stuff and doesn't do the wild thing for money ==. Damn i feel wack now for joking around about it >_<

Peace out,
The King of Random

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Sentimental days.

Hello,

Its been a week of holidays now and i don't feel that i've utilized the time given to me properly. All week i've only been studying english and economics. Damn, hard gay. Well anyways, i don't know if i've told any of you because this happened to me before but when i stay home for a long time and don't go out and shit i start to think and when i start to think i get all sentimental and shit. It's pretty lame but that's just who i am.

I went out for dinner last night, and there's this guy who went with us. I think he's like the outcast of Zealous(My mentor's crew) sort of. Like alot of people don't like him because they think he's annoying and whatnot. I tried not to get influenced by their thoughts but i can see what they mean... and i guess i fucked up and sort of gave him shit too. My mentor told me that he told him that he felt that some of the people in Zealous and SKB were giving him a hard time and for me, it's impossible to imagine him saying that because it's just not part of his character. But it got me thinking of why we try to deny people from getting into our hearts well that's a bad way of putting it i mean why we don't let people in. Is it because we don't want to get hurt? I'm sure that's part of the reason. But if we don't let our true self out, how can we really be ourselves? For me, i'm just myself to everyone i know. I might be different to some people but that's just me. Schizophrenia for the win =). How would you deal with it if you saw lets say a different side of... hhmm i don't really wanna say his name... lets just say if you saw a different side of someone you hated, and you knew the secrets of this person, but since you've been exposed to their other side it's changed your impression of them. What would you do? Would you tell your friends about how 'weird' they are or would you keep it to yourself realizing that there is more than meets the eye. Sigh... i'm having trouble wording what i mean... hopefully you'll understand what i mean when i said i gave the dude shit even though i was aware he feels like shit sometimes. I should have taken it into consideration and just ignored him or whatever. Logic and emotion i guess. Sort of XD.

Change. I hate change and your aware of that. I oppose change, and its sort of happening to me right now. I know that this change is NOT good i'm 100% absolutely sure about it. I'm becoming a product of my hatred. I'm becoming what i tried so hard to prevent from becoming. And i'm not so sure of what to do. My selfishness is... exuberating. Sigh well i'm gonna cut this post short, i can't really think of anything else on my mind. Well i can but i don't wanna get into it =S

Peace,
The King of Random

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Untitled 2.

Ok,

I'm going to use those titles when i randomly feel like posting during the week because something sort of significant is on my mind. I'm talking to a friend of mine right now and we're talking about Sue. Well sort of. I know i'll never get with her because of the obvious factors e.g. age and whatnot but i have trouble accepting that and i think that denial of the truth makes up a big part of our lives. Sometimes we can't handle the truth and we may even go to the extreme of creating a fantasy in order to avoid reality. I guess the easiest way to experience is if one of your loved ones dies. You know that they have gone, but in the back of your head there is a voice saying no no no no no they're not dead. Maybe it's the process of understanding how something happened but as human beings we will have trouble accepting certain facts.

Formal is the happenin' in a month and a bit and i don't know, but when some event happens like this i always feel awkward. It's like your watching a really sad movie with your girlfriend and she starts crying and she looks at you expecting you to cry and you just keep your eyes open hoping that they will tear up and that it will look like your crying. It's sort of like that for the formal only everyone is happy and having a good time. I think i told you guys before but whenever something like that happens i feel the opposite so if everyone is happy i'll feel sad. Its strange. During times like these i hope my phone will ring and someone will say "Get your ass here" and i'll be forced to leave =). Damn i had a word to describe the feeling but i just lost it. I REMEMBER. I feel... left out. But i'm not. Is it because it was like that when i was a kid or is it just who i am? I find formals and stuff pointless, in the sense that i don't really have a goal. I mean what do i do? Have dinner and talk to my friends? I dunno how to explain it that was a bad way of putting it.

Now onto lighter subjects. Ending phone calls. Yes that's right, ending phone calls. Do you hang up when you say bye or do you sort of wait for the other person to say bye and then you hang up? Ugh strange. I like to hear them say bye or whatever and then hang up but it's sort of awkward just waiting =_=.

Peace out,
The King of Random